CG's Lemmy's Bedtime Stories
by Rocky and CG
Summary: Xelloss is having problems sleeping, so he gets someone to read him a bedtime story that won't make him vomit. He gets the (barely known) Slayers character who loves naming her numerous weapon and killing people with them; Lemmy Martin!


(Rocky: Yo! If you'd like to know more about Lemmy Martin, check out CG's webshrine of her, Psycho Lemmy's Page of Blood and Insanity.  
http://www.geocities.com/psycho_lemmy/lemmy_insanity.html )  
  
  
C.G. This was a joke between me and my buddies but they wanted me to write it anyways (Rocky: YAY!) . Rated R- b/c Lemmy's telling the stories, 'nuff said.   
  
  
Lemmy's Bedtime Stories  
  
  
Xellos: ::in purple footy pjs:: I've been having trouble getting to sleep so Lord Zellas said I should get some good bedtime stories to read. Though most bedtime stories suck, I found someone that won't nauseate me like C.G.  
  
Lemmy: Shut up! I'm only doing this because you said you have something for me to kill!  
  
Xellos: Yes, I do.   
  
Lemmy: And don't you interrupt or I'll stab you!   
  
Xellos: It would be hard to kill me but you could kill Lord Zellas' stinky wolf pet.   
  
Zellas: I HEARD THAT!!!  
  
Xellos: ::sweatdrop:: I was kidding! ::whispers:: But he does need a bath! Stinky!  
  
Lemmy: Quiet!   
  
Xellos: Ok, the floor is yours! The bed is mine!   
  
Lemmy: Once upon a time, there were 3 bears that lived in a house in the woods. Stabbin' Lemmy comes to that house one day. She finds the 3 bears in the house. The bears start growling at her for no good reason, so she takes Jack and stabs the first bear right through his big bear tummy. She says "This bear's blood gushes too fast" ::giggles:: Then she takes Trevor and slits the next bear in its throat. She groans, "This bear bleeds too slow!" Then she takes Hallas and drives it into the third bear and says "Success! This bear's blood gives me pleasure!" ::laughs:: Then she steals all their stuff and buys many daggers and long swords, to be named later. The end!  
  
Xellos: I liked it, brutal and bloody but yet too short.   
  
Lemmy: ::jumps up and holds Ripper at his throat:: YOU DARE SAY YOU DON'T LIKE MY STORIES!?!?!?!?  
  
Xellos: I LOVE YOUR STORIES!!!!!! But can you stretch them further to make them longer and more violent?   
  
Lemmy: You annoy me.   
  
Xellos: Who don't I annoy?   
  
Lemmy: Shut up, Worthless, Weaponless Boy!   
  
Xellos: Why do you believe everyone without a weapon is a wussy? Zel had a weapon before and he was the Ultimate Wussy until his great-grandpa Rezo did you-know-what.  
  
Lemmy: I don't care! Must I kill you?  
  
Xellos: Please continue.   
  
Lemmy: Once upon a time, Lil' Red Blood-Soaked Lemmy…  
  
Xellos: You gotta love this!  
  
Lemmy: … had to run an errand for her grandma so she could get some allowance to buy more sharp things to kill evil with. A Big Evil, Threat-to-Justice Wolf stalks Lemmy in hopes for a meal.   
  
Xellos: Yeah, she has a nice meaty chest…  
  
Lemmy: ::grabs Eric:: YOU DO NOT STARE AT MY CHEST!!!!!!!!!!   
  
Xellos: You should be flattered. Lina would love that kind of attention.  
  
Lemmy: MUST I CUT YOU?!?!?!?!  
  
Xellos: I did not mean to insult your twins. Forgive me and continue.   
  
Lemmy: The Wolf…  
  
Xellos: Can I imagine the wolf is the same stinky wolf that's outside in the hallway? It's a pretty big wolf.  
  
  
Lemmy: Sure I guess. So the Wolf runs to Lemmy's grandma's house and throws grandma in the closet.   
  
Xellos: Grandma must be skin and bones then if the Wolf won't eat her. Or maybe she doesn't take baths like Wolfy.  
  
Zellas: XELLOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  
Lemmy: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!! ::whips out Brian:: I AM TRYING TO TELL A STORY HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  
Zellas: ::stares for several moments:: Wah?  
  
Xellos: Ignore her, Lord Zellas. She is a berserker.   
  
Lemmy: ::holds Brian to his throat, eyes glowing red:: I AM NOT A BERSERKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Xellos: See?   
  
Zellas: ::tilts head:: Ok… whatever. ::goes back to watching Survivor::  
  
Lemmy: And you, shut up as well!   
  
Xellos: I promise!   
  
Lemmy: Then the Wolf dresses in grandma's clothes and hops into bed. When Lemmy knocks on the door, the Wolf says "Come in!" Lemmy walks in and says, "Here! Where's my allowance? I want knives!" She then looks at the Wolf and says, "Grandma, are you taking drugs?" The Wolf says, "No, I'm very excited to see you!" Lemmy walks closer and says, "Grandma, you gotten very hairy recently." The Wolf says "Aren't we all known for our hair?" Lemmy comes closer and says, "I guess. Grandma, why do you remind me of some beast I killed not so long ago?" The Wolf says "Errr…" Lemmy comes very close. "I remember the beast I killed. The one I ripped apart its organs and left it in a pool of it's own blood. It looked a lot like you, Grandma!" Before the Wolf can do anything, Lemmy whips out Dean and… SLASH SLASH BLOOD SLASH SLASH…::giggles wildly:: until the wolf is in many little pieces. Then Lemmy rescues her grandma and they eat Wolf Bits for dinner. Then Lemmy gets her allowance and buys nice sharp things. The end.   
  
Xellos: Where Lina finds these people, I have no clue.  
  
Lemmy: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?!?!?!?!?!?  
  
Xellos: Errrr... What I was saying is people like you should own all the sharp things you want!   
  
Lemmy: Damn straight! Ewww… That dog of yours stinks!   
  
Xellos: That's what I've been saying, that stupid stinky demon wolf stinks.   
  
Zellas: XELLOS, STOP MAKING FUN OF WOLFY!!!!  
  
Xellos: Then would you at least give us clothespins for our noses?   
  
Zellas throws a frying pan and hits him in the face.   
  
Xellos: Thank you, Lord Zellas! ::smiles::  
  
Lemmy: I'm leaving!   
  
Xellos: One more, please! I got some beer and big stupid beasts!   
  
Lemmy: OK. This is the last one! Once upon a time, a fierce swordswoman named Lemmy…  
  
Xellos: Who is a very pretty girl with big hooters, I might add!  
  
Lemmy: ::growls::  
  
Xellos: ::sweatdrop:: Sorry, continue!   
  
Lemmy: Lemmy is on one side of the river minding her own business when she sees a huge beast on the other side to kill!   
  
Xellos: YAY!!!   
  
Lemmy: But the river is too wide for her and she doesn't want to get her socks wet with stupid plain water, so the only way for her to get across is a wooden bridge. Under the bridge lived an evil, ugly,and really huge troll!  
  
Xellos: Oh, Gaav is in this story!   
  
Lemmy: But Lemmy couldn't give a rat's ass about some stupid troll. So she starts going 'trip trap trip trap' over the bridge. She then heard a loud voice say, "WHO'S THAT TRIP-TRAPPING OVER BRIDGE?" Lemmy says, "It's is I, Lemmy the swordswoman, who goes over your bridge!" The troll replies, "THEN I'M GOING TO GOBBLE YOU UP, LADY!" Lemmy then in her justice pose replies, "GO *BLEEP* YOURSELF!" ::giggles::  
  
Xellos: Yeah, you tell that ugly troll!   
  
Lemmy: So the ugly troll comes up and Lemmy grabs Justin then chops off the troll's head, crushes his entire body with her "Chaos Slice", then throws him into the river. Lemmy though is not satisfied so she finds the beast she saw from the start and kills it too! Lemmy is happy because she spilled tons of blood that day. ::giggles:: The end!   
  
Xellos: ::claps:: What fun!   
  
Lemmy: What's this?   
  
Xellos: Oh that's just one of my cones.   
  
Lemmy: I have never seen a weapon like this before. I like it! It's sharp, I want it! I can use it as a deadly stake to kill vampires and watch them bleed!   
  
Xellos: ::sweatdrop:: Umm… That's all well and good… Forgive me, Lemmy, but you cannot have it.   
  
Lemmy: I TOLD YOU STORIES AND I SAID I WANT IT!!!!!!!  
  
Xellos: Lemmy, no…  
  
Lemmy: IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DIE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::screams::  
  
::Cuts to Zellas sitting on the couch, watching Survivor. Zellas can hear Pissed-Off Lemmy's screaming as Xellos unsuccessfully tries to calm her down but is only followed by tons of banging and things breaking.::  
  
Zellas: Xellos, tell your little berserker friend to go home now! And you're cleaning that up! ::pause:: Ah, screw it! ::pause:: Xellos is right, Wolfy does stink. Bath time! 


End file.
